What Makes a Marriage Work

I have been married for 36 years and I still ask myself, how have we made our marriage work?  What did we do that made our marriage stand the test of time. I know that I have not always done this the right way and I have made many mistakes, but what I do know is that my marriage is stronger than it was 36 years ago.  The question of, “What Makes Marriage Work,” is just not answered easily. I know I do not have all the answers and I know that I did not always get it right. What I do know is that I am still here learning and sharing some things that have worked for us.  I can also share some things that have not worked for us.  So let’s just talk about a few of those tips learned through trials.

What Kind of Commitment Did You Take

I really believe that  the first thing that makes a marriage work is the commitment.  It seems like everyone is ready to say the “I dos”, right?   That is the fun part.  Walking down an aisle saying I do and throw a big party.  You know there is a reason a pastor or civil servant mentions the fact that marriage should not be entered into lightly.  That would be because it shouldn’t be. When you stand before others or in a court room there is a commitment being made to another person. Often it is made before a lot of other witnesses as well.  The commitment to be married is a serious commitment.

I Do, I Do, I Do

The words and promises spoken to each other are very serious. Sometimes we want to treat marriage like a softball team that is more work than fun or a start up garage band that involves a lot of practice with a lot of personalities. Both of those commitments start out a lot of fun but when practice gets boring and playing the music every night just seems like a bad idea we throw in the towel.  We are done with playing softball or practicing the band.  Marriage is a lot bigger commitment than both of those activities.  When the living gets hard or does not seem like fun anymore we want to just drop out.  We forget so easily the first commitment we made.  You can not go into marriage with the same level of dedication.  We have to want our marriage to last forever.  Even on days that it stinks and we are not enjoying life.  Don’t forget the words you said out loud that day. Go to other peoples wedding after yours and sit through the ceremony. Renew in your mind the vows you made to each other and the commitment you spoke out loud.  Remember the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

What Kind Of Relationship Are You Going To Have

What kind of relationship are we going to have?  It should be something you ask yourself.  I wanted my husband to be my best friend.  Just think about that for a minute.  What kind of things do you want to do with your best friend?  You talk to them, go out to eat with them, watch movies with them.  Your best friend is the person that you want to spend a lot of time with.  That is what your spouse should be. When my husband and I got married my parents lived in Japan.  They were a long ways from SC. I am a Military Brat.  So this is not my home town.  It took me about 20 minutes to get home from work. This is a small community.  I had only lived here a few years.  I did not have a lot of close friends.  There were also not a lot of close neighbors.  Early on in our marriage I had to figure out what was going to make this work.  I wanted my husband to be my best friend.  Sometimes when we did argue I would storm out of the house made, I have a short fuse, get in my brown Toyota Station wagon and just drive around. My husband knew I would be home at some point.  I had no one to go to and that was not a bad thing.  No it was a good thing.  I did not want my best friend to be mad at me.  How do you keep the feeling of my husband being my best friend?

What Can I Do To Keep My Best Friend

1.    Do things together.  Not just the shopping or pedicure trips, but other things as well.  I do not love sports or hunting.  I especially do not like motor cross racing, but if my hubby ask me to go I go.  If he asks me to go to the dump, I go.  I want to be with him.  He is my best friend.  You do places with your best friend even if it is not where you want to go.
2.   Laugh together.  Seeing the humor in your own silliness and selfishness is a good thing.  Sometimes when we are really fighting about something senseless my husband will make a light joke.  He is pretty humorous and when I can laugh out loud in those moments that are tense it helps break that ice.
3.  Hold hands a lot.  Holding hands and touching each other without any other intentions is a good thing.  It can remind you of the attractions that brought you together in the first place.  Why do you thing they say nurses have the healing touch, because we all have the need to be touched in non intimate ways that express, I Love You.
4.  Tell each other I Love You often.  My husband never lets me go to sleep with telling me he loves me.  If your spouse has not started that or just never has done that, start it for yourself.  Start tonight by saying, I Love you, before you roll over and go to sleep.

Decide Very Early On How to Handle Conflict

How to handle conflict is something that needs to be figured out, because there will be conflict, right?  Anytime people live  together there is going to be conflict.  I remember one of the first fights my hubby and I had.  It was about the pile of clothes that he attempted to put in the clothes hamper by throwing them near by.  One Monday morning when he did not have any clean clothes he asked my why his laundry was’t done.  I was so tired of picking them up that I decided when the clothes got in the hamper I would wash them.  He found out that he would have clean clothes when they were put in the hamper.  We sorted that out pretty quickly, but there would be many other conflicts to follow over our lifetime.  Joey and I made a commitment very early to resolve our arguments fairly and early.

Don’t Let Anger Linger

Letting things that make us mad linger does not resolve anything.  I also learned that families handle conflict different ways.  I came from a shout it out family and my husband came from an “ignore it and it will go away” family.  Those methods may work for you and that is okay, but you need to find out if it works for both of you, not just you alone.  We had to make a commitment to handle conflict early and fairly.

  Everyone Is Happy At The Wedding

So what makes a marriage work?  See, I posted a picture of my daughter’s wedding day because EVERYONE is happy on that day.  Look at those smiling faces.  It seems like their marriage will last forever on that day. They look so in love.  They look so happy.  Yet the statistics for marriage are shocking.  The report from McKinley Law Firm is very shocking.  Just click on the link if you would like to read the report. The report says that first marriages do last longer than second and third marriages, but I want my only marriage to last.

Everybody is Happy On The Honeymoon

Everyone has a wonderful time at the wedding.  After a precious ceremony and a grand party comes a marvelous honeymoon.  Everybody is happy on the honeymoon, well usually.  Sometimes on the honeymoon we get a short glimpse of what it is going to be like to live with someone else.  This is where the work first starts.  The person that you thought was perfect is just like everyone else, less than perfect.  Now that you are living under the same roof you find out the little things that annoy you.

So What Works

Spend time together.  Hold hands a lot. Laugh together. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Try to renew your vows in your mind.  A good place to do that is at other peoples weddings.  Enjoy life with your partner.  Companionship is a big part of marriage.  Appreciate your spouse for who they are now and who they were when you married them.  Most arguments area about some senseless anyway and never give up on love.  It is so worth fighting for in the long run and for the long haul.  Honestly, Janet