My husband and I will celebrate our 37 wedding anniversary this week and I can really say that it has been a joy. People ask me how we do it. What makes our marriage so solid and how do we stay committed to one another? The secret to a marriage that lasts is not hard to figure out or even understand. The problem is our own selfishness interferes.
It’s Not All About Me
If there is anything I could tell you that I have learned in life is that everything is not all about me. This is not an easy lesson to come by. Our first inclination every moment of the day is to think about ourselves. It is what permeates our thoughts and shapes our actions.
From our first cup of coffee in the morning to the last sip of water at night it is in our very nature to please OURSELVES. If there is anyway to make a marriage last it is to think of your spouse first and since that is not how we are wired, a commitment from within has to be made to do that.
So if I am not always thinking about myself but thinking of my hubby, I won’t be so perturbed when the Yetti cup that still holds heat is in my spouse’s grubby little hands and on the way out the door!!! Right, because the things that I find irritating and start making me angry, usually are not that important.
Most of the time the things that are done are not just to irritate us. I am a firm believer in that. I have learned that we just tend to do things out of ignorance. Sometimes we don’t even know that something irritates another person.
Example: My husband told me a few years ago, just a few that when I chew gum it irritates him!!! You could have blown me over with a feather. I had no idea.
He never told me that, but one out of the blue. To be honest with you I was mad at first, really mad. I mean, the nerve of him, but you know what there are some things he does that aggravate me too. I just choose to be angry about them and not say what they are. That just goes to prove we don’t even realize and they don’t realize it either what we get so mad about.
Show grace and try to remember it is not about me all the time. This leads to number.
1. Commit To Remembering It’s Not Always About Me
Be Honest
How many times have you gotten really angry about something, stewed about it all day, got home and added a few more incidentals to the problem. If you had just address the fact that “You took my favorite cup to work this morning” first thing and not let it simmer then all could be well much quicker.
Why is honesty so hard? Especially with your best friend. Usually Joey is very easy to get along with if I just tell him how I honestly feel about something. As a matter of fact he is usually oblivious to what is wrong in the first place.
Being honest really is the best policy and taking the time, real time to address a small issue can keep it from becoming a big issue. Just be honest, if there is something that you just can not live with then say so. My husband loves me enough to care about those little things too.
2. Being honest earlier rather than later
Commit To Staying Committed
Man, that sounds so wordy, but the truth is somewhere along the way we loose site of our commitment. Maybe it is in the midst raising children or work, but being reminded of the commitment is important.
When I walked down the aisle with Joey Tanner it was for life. That was for real for me and him. I was serious about those vows and it is easy in this world to lose sight of that. Especially when Hollywood is our role models.
This may sound a bit harsh, but if you are hanging out with friends or people that do not share the same view of your marriage commitment as you, FIND NEW FRIENDS!!. I am serious about this. Marriage is hard enough without adding to the problem with NO GOOD FRIENDS.
Matthew 6:34
Each day has enough trouble of its own.
That’s what Matthew said in the bible, that each day has enough trouble of it’s own. That is so true, don’t add to your troubles by keeping company that will not encourage you.
Go to a wedding an listen carefully to the vows being said. Each time I go to one I recommit in my mind to the love of my life sitting next to me. I remember the two young people that spoke before hundreds of witnesses about staying true to each other before them and God.
Watch your wedding video, look at your pictures and talk about your commitment again, over and over. Remembering and saying those things to each other help to cement and remind us of our vows made.
3. Recommit to each other throughout your marriage.
Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Your Anger
Joey and I do not go to bed with anger simmering in our veins. It just is NEVER a good practice. God said it in His word and we take it seriously. As a matter of fact we don’t ever go to bed without saying, “I Love You.”
You probably have seen those signs that say, “ALWAYS KISS ME GOODNIGHT” Sometimes one of us will nod off earlier than the other, but a goodnight kiss is a must in this house. I don’t want to wake up with unresolved issues that next day. The next day will have a new set of problems so we need to address today issues now.
4. Don’t go to bed angry.
Laugh Together
I am usually a pretty serious person, but one thing that will get me out of a bad mood is Joey making me laugh. Sometimes it is something just plain silly. It maybe looking at a video on You Tube or watching an episode of Friends. Whatever it is that makes you laugh, take the time to do it.
Laughter lightens the heart. These are some of the physical benefits of laughter. Laughter is the Best Medicine talks about all of the benefits.
- During a laugh, respiration, heart rate and blood pressure temporarily rise. This causes oxygen to surge through the bloodstream that then results in lower blood pressure.
- Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems.
- Laughter reduces pain and allows toleration of discomfort. Laughter reduces blood sugar levels, increasing glucose tolerance in diabetics and non-diabetics alike.
- Laughter relaxes the whole body, relieving tension and stress. It has been shown that following a good, hearty laugh, muscles in the body are relaxed for up to 45 minutes afterward.
- Laughing burns calories – laughter is sometimes referred to as “inner jogging”. A hearty laugh gives the muscles of the face, chest, shoulders, stomach and diaphragm a good workout.
We Need To Laugh Together
I always feel better after having a good laugh together. We take ourselves too seriously. Nothing is more important than your spouse and laughing together just binds us together is a sweet and precious way.
Laughing together is good medicine
Spend Quality Time Together
Quality time together is so important. Our lives get So busy. During the busiest times of our lives we usually do not find time for each other.
This book mentioned above talks about quality time. Some people need quality time more than others. If you do not know what your spouses love language is the book 5 Love Languages is a good read to find out. It is an easy read and it maybe a real eye opener for you. Especially if you or your spouse need quality time together. You maybe starving for this need.
Now quality time is not bathing the children together, or washing the car together, but it could be a walk. It may even be eating out alone or going to the movies together. You may need to discuss what quality time is to you.
Just make it a priority. Find a time and place to look at each other and talk. It does not have to be a serious talk, just some conversation.
5. Spend Quality Time Together
Touch
Touch may seem like such a silly thing to be reminded of. I am not talking about intimacy here. We all need to have someone just tough us. Gently tough on the shoulders, holding hands and non-sexual embrace is intimate in it’s own way.
We need to feel the touch of our spouse and they do to. It helps to keep us connected in some intimate way. Remember when your parents wanted to really express their love for you, they would look you in the eyes and touch your shoulder or back and say, “I love you.” Touch adds dimension to our words of love.
6. Offer a Gentle Touch
In my post What Make A Marriage Work, I talk about some of the very same things. I believe that marriage is hard and I really believe that most marriages fail because of our own selfishness. The secret to marriage that last is multifaceted. Each part of these secrets has many many other ideas that can be added to them.
At the end of the day you will have to remember that your marriage is worth fighting for. In the world we live in you will need to remind yourself of that fight and look for encouragement to stay in the ring. We are constantly taught to care about us, ourselves and ME, ME, ME. So be careful, pick your relationships wisely. Watch your time carefully and
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Our hearts and minds need guarding. Anything of value is worth guarding. Your marriage is worth guarding. Take the time, and guard it!!! Honestly, Janet