Struggling With Who I am

Struggling with who you are is nothing new and it is not a bad thing at all. I hope that sometime in life we all look at who we are and think a little about that.

Maybe you don’t struggle with this but I sure do. Sometimes I want to be someone else. It’s one of those things that creeps up on you every once in awhile. You don’t even realize and then, BOOM, just like that something has captured your heart. 

Longing For less

Have you ever heard of Tasha Tudor. She was a woman that lived life her way. I love looking at her books, recipes and art. She lived an 18th century life in a 20th century world. My friend Ann says that I probably would love to spindle my own yarn and sew all of my garments too.

That doesn’t appeal to everyone, but it does to me. I would read about her cooking over a fire or in her brick oven. She canned all kinds of things. Sometimes I would just wish I lived in a house without power so that I could sew on a treadle machine. There is something about her life I desired so much. Maybe it is the simplicity I see. I’m not sure, but I do know that there have been times I have longed for her life.

One year I announced to my husband, “I’m not going to buy any clothes this year.” 

“Really,” he said. 

“Yeah, I’m going to sew all of my clothes.”

Tasha Tudor wore long skirts and aprons. She baked cakes, cookies, and canned peaches. I could see it now, a rag around my head, knitting by the fire and canning apples tomorrow.

From the outside looking in her life seemed idyllic. I really contemplated that life too much. There was something so appealing about her life on paper in a magazine or book. She lived in some northern state that got real snow. Oh how I wanted to be her. I could just see it. Corgi’s running around and children pulling at my apron strings.

Before you know it your longing for something else somewhere else. It doesn’t even have to be glamourous or involve a lot of material goods. It’s just a longing to be someone or somewhere else.

It doesn’t help that somedays the first thing I do is look at my phone. Now I know what you are thinking, Tasha Tudor didn’t have a cell phone and you’re right, she didn’t. 

Social media is an alternate world

I used to buy books about Tasha Tudor and other resources she had out their. She was an artist too and wrote a lot of children’s books. Now how does social media tie into a story with a woman like Tasha Tudor. Well, let me explain. See my longing for other things and other places starts with the time I waste looking at pictures of other peoples lives. Maybe your day has started like this before too. 

I wake up with good intentions. Plans are made for this and that. I even make a real commitment to change the way I do things. Yet, sadly, by 0800 things have already gone awry. Instead of getting up and spending time with God I spend time with my phone. 

The Picture Perfect World

You know it’s a fairly innocent way to spend your time. Just browsing and looking at a magazine, a book, or social media. Enjoying the moment looking at other people’s lives. It’s not that I have chosen to turn to something terrible, but it seems as if I have not chosen to turn to that which is Godly.

Have you ever thought I’ll just glance at social media? Just for a minute or two, nothing overwhelming, an hour or two hours later I am consumed. I confess, I can spend hours looking at things on my phone or computer.

At the end of the day, I will wonder, what happen to the hours I had?

Scroll, scroll, scroll till my finger actually hurts in some way. 

The worst part is that everyone’s life looks so much better than mine. Their hair always looks good and they don’t seem to need to lose any weight either. Their children are exceptional. Everything about their life looks fun and so perfect. It is quite literally a picture perfect world.

Now, I know that this is an artificial life. Not the kind from Mars, but the kind we propagate on social media. There we have the chance to take the picture over and over to get it just right. The final result before we post it for public review is, well, “picture perfect.”

Can I tell you a story about my family? I try to get a picture of my children on holidays when we are all together. Then I post the picture on social media. Maybe you do the same. 

Till The Storm Passes over

Anyway, this year my daughter disappeared right before we could take it. Someone said she went home. No problem, I thought, we will just go over there and take it. 

Everyone loaded up and headed over to her house. As all the family piled out of their cars I rang the doorbell. She came to the door and looked out. Immediately she burst into tears, “I don’t want to have my picture taken!” she said angrily. 

Well, everyone just stood there looking at her and not knowing what to do at that point. Her brother awkwardly said it was his fault. He was home from out of state and just wanted a picture. 

She, somewhat, dried her eyes and got in the family photo. Now, to everyone else, it just looks like a great family photo. A moment that is frozen in time of the perfect family. The storm that occurred passed and the camera snapped. The rest of the world scrolling and trolling, as some call it, can look and think we have the perfect family. 

Just not the truth

Can anyone relate? We want the perfect life with the perfect family. Tasha Tudor had what I wanted too. It wasn’t glamorous or showy, but I wanted it, and it all started with looking and longing for something else.

Tasha Tudor’s life wasn’t perfect either, even though I kind of idolized it. I mean, who really wants to spend all day cooking over fire and cleaning your house with hot water from a huge pot on the wood burning stove.

I hate to do laundry in the washing machine, much less on a stove, right?

How did i get there

Usually the way we get from living and being satisfied and all the sudden longing to be someone else is a very short path. It starts with my eyes looking and longing.

Have you ever thought about the process of getting to a the place you should not be at? Like at a bakery eating the biggest piece of chocolate cake they have. How do we get to this place?

You know that the cake is not the problem, right? That cake didn’t do a thing to you. It all starts with the eyes seeing and the heart desiring and if it would only end there. That is the point we put into action our own selfish desires.

Sometimes there is no real rationale reason we so some things. Like Paul said,

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Saint Paul

I have been told that even affairs often start this way. In the end the person that went down the path asked themselves why, why did I do this.

In Melissa Krueger’s book Envy of Eve she talks about where it all begins. She says it starts with the eyes looking over the fence into another person’s yard. See, I have looked over the fence. As silly as it may seem I have wanted to be other people at times. I have wanted HER children, they are so well behaved or that job, it’s more fun. Struggling with who we are is a real thing.

Sin enter even into paradise

Guess what, it even happens in paradise. Remember the story of Eve in the garden of Eden. She had it all. She could have gone around singing. I’ve got it all. Except for one thing. The tree that God said she could not have. With her eyes she looked upon the forbidden tree. With her heart she started to long for what was on the other side of the fence.

You know I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt. I really would, but I can’t. She had it all, but she longed for the one thing she could not have.

See, that is what looking over the fence into someone else’s yard will do that for you. I’ve been there before. Sunday morning was a struggle. I had to make sure my children looked as well as other children I would be seeing.

Other people’s children seemed to be angelic. Other people’s lives seemed to be better.

Be Honest

Now, let’s be honest. It isn’t like this all the time, everyday, right? We don’t even realize it is happening and it can be different at different stages of your life. Sometimes we want things and other times we want affection or attention. It maybe prominance or social standing we crave.

We pass these traits on to our children as well. Pushing them to the limits and hoping they can be better than someone else. Seeing themselves as not good enough. They also spend a lifetime longing for another life.

Fight the battle of disatisfaction

For me, I have found a way to fight the battle of dissatisfaction and envy. Struggling with who I am is an interior problem, not an exterior problem. The way I perceive the world and others lives has a lot to do with the way I perceive God.

I have doubted the goodness of God. I have not trusted His wisdom and His plan. Trusting who God is can be hard on this earth. It’s one of those secret sins that no one else has to know about.

Keeping our eyes focused

I can look outside my walls into someone else’s back yard and believe their life is better. The real thought in that moment is that God is not really good. For that moment I believe that He does not care enough about me to give me what I want.

Kind of sounds like a two-year old, doesn’t it? We are not that far from behaving like a two-year old. We tell our children no because we know what is good for them. It is out of our kindness and goodness that we direct our children’s pathways.

Searching for answers and wondering who we are can be a good thing. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing or send us on the wrong path. As a matter of fact looking at where we are and looking at how close or how far away God is can be a really good thing.

GOD’S GOODNESS IS REAL

It maybe hard to recognize the fact that God’s goodness is real, not unlike a child that says, “that’s not fair”. There are things in life we have been wounded by. Like the death of a loved one. I don’t want to sound like all longing is some kind of ego thing, because it’s not.

We have all had times that we wished to be somewhere else, but not trusting who God is a real problem.

How to discover who god is

Knowing who God really is and how much He loves me helps to set the correct stage for evaluating who I am. When I start to forget God’s goodness everything else becomes distorted and looks wrong. Knowing without doubt that God is good helps know that this life I am living is for a purpose and it is good. This life if good because God put me here.

I like the fact that to know about God and to believe God’s goodness I don’t have to go very far. Yes, I can learn a lot about God from The Word, but just walk outside your house. We experience God’s goodness and grace everyday.

Sing your own song of the goodness of god

God’s goodness can be seen in the many things we enjoy. Things I had nothing to do with creating. Driving through a grove of old oaks that hang over the road, filled with Spanish moss and sunlight glancing through the branches. Looking across an ocean that is rocking back and forth. Having the chance to be out in the middle of the sea and hear the blowing sounds of whales.

If you want to really feel small try standing at the base of a mountain and look up. Look out the window of a plane. View the vastness of the ocean.

I was in a rescue sized boat with water all around me, nothing but silence when a whale broke the water 20 feet from our boat. If you want to see the wonder of the world take a child to the top of a mountain and them show you what wonder is.her their wonder is.

We enjoy God’s goodness everyday, whether you realize it or not. Getting up each day is a gift. Having a meal three times a day is a gift. We are given God’s graciousness so much the joy is lost. Before I even realize it, I have forgotten God’s goodness. The comes the longing and looking into someone elses’s life.

Struggling to be SATISFIED with who I am

If we really contemplate the goodness of God we realize that we have all we need. When I really practice gratitude for His gifts and realize He has my best interest at heart I can move forward. In a place of gratitude and thankfulness I can be satisfied with who I am and where I am.

The remedy for our disatisfaction and longing to be someone else will only come from remembering the goodness of God. Thinking about how we get to that point and enjoying God’s grace and goodness will change the way we think.