Have you ever gone to work one day and by 4:00 pm your life is forever changed? Has something ever happened that you feel like you may never recover from? Maybe you have uttered the words, “Why me, why us?” Loss, how do you handle it?
Sometimes we get up and our normal has changed, because of a medical event, job change or death. Everything we used to hold on to is gone. There is no normal anymore. You think, this is supposed to happen to other people, not me. The loss is a gut wrenching experience that feels as if it will never go away.
My heart is breaking because of just such a thing. On Thursday at 11:00 am a group of friends got on a small airplane. The plane left a South Carolina coastal airport. After getting about 30 minutes out they have engine trouble. A call is made back to land that something is wrong. Whatever went wrong is unknown, because the plane turned around at 11:33, at 11:44, disappeared. With the plane disappearing, a mother, and 4 fathers also disappeared.
Loss
A mother, father, aunt, wife, husband, son, child, brother, sister, and all the other roles we have in life are gone. It is a loss so painful, so searing to the heart that no one can understand. There is nothing that can take away the fear, pain and heart break in those moments. There are really no words that can help.
How many times in this life do we hear this story. A few years ago a 1978 a School Choir on a bus was in a devastating crash. 28 were killed. It was a high school choir on their last singing trip before summer vacation. Can you imagine the pain for those families? No, I do not think we can. Even on the sidelines with a tragedy of your dearest friends we can not imagine this type of pain.
Loss, How Do We Handle It
I think the first thing we have to do is feel the loss. Even though we may not want to. I hate to feel this kind of pain. Pain that is so severe you can carve it out. It is a palpable feeling that keeps you awake at night and brings sobbing to the heart. It is also a fear that we will never recover from the loss and the others suffering may not ever recover from the loss.
This kind of situation involves many people with multiple families. The tragedies we see on television are supposed to happen to other people not us. It is a drama that is meant for the screen not our homes, but the pain we feel can not be avoided. There is no way to numb it or erase it and the choice ways we do have to avoid the pain are not going to remove it permanently. Nothing can take the pain away.
Some people say Time Heals All Things. I do not even believe that saying, because years down the road the loss of a child, husband or any relation can be felt again. The pain can resurface like it was yesterday. The only thing that the passage of time does for us is soften the wounds. The wound may not bleed but the scar is there forever.
Different Reactions
Some people handle this pain differently. One may cocoon in and retreat, others may become over the top with activities or dangerous behaviors. The time it takes to move forward is different for everyone as well. The grief will never leave your heart, but someday and some moment it will not be the first thought in your mind.
Talk About It
Talking about the loss can help. Speaking out loud the memories you have about the person helps to remind you and others that they will never be forgotten. Talking about them helps to solidify all the memories you have. We fear forgetting them, or that others will forget them. Sharing your thoughts keeps them alive.
Do The Things You Always Did
Get up and go. Take the steps to maintain your regular routine. If anyone loves you they know that you are doing the best that you can, but keeping to a regular routine helps us focus on our new normal.
- Sleep
- Eat
- Rest
Those of us on the outside.
We need to speak carefully. Maybe we need to just be quiet, because there are no words that can remove any of the pain. I had a friend whose husband was a truck driver. He stopped the look at his motor and was decapitated by another truck. She told me if one more person said, “God knows best.” she was going to kill them. There are not words of platitude that help during the critical time of pain.
- Pray
- Do something practical for them.
- Cut their grass.
- Get their mail.
- Feed their pets.
- Wash the dishes
Being on the outside can be a hard spot to be in. We want to do something practical. Most of us want to fix the problem, but there is not fixing this one.
When will it be okay to laugh again and smile again? I don’t know. Only you can know that, but as my friend that is in great pain right now says, “Joy will come in the morning.”
Let The Pain Go
It can’t be avoided and it can’t be surgically removed. Healing takes time and time can’t be rushed. In the end the scar will still be there. The memory will still be there and the questions may never be answered. God is not a wizard and does not have a magic wand, but he is in the business of healing and mending broken hearts. He also says that he is near the brokenhearted.
If it can not be erased and it can not be surgically removed, then I want the best One of all the be near me. If I thought this life was it, then it would be hopeless, but my God says he “Saves The Crushed In Spirit” and I do believe that. The pain may never go away and the memory of the loss disappear, but I have a God that is near and saves my crushed spirit. Honestly, Janet
Coming to you today with a broken heart. janet
Life is so short. We should spend it with the ones we love.